when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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