guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
