dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
