I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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