The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
