so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
