I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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