If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
