Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
