mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
