At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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