I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
