So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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