I just made out with a guy for $7.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
