I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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