My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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