I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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