Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
