You kept calling me your small dog last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
