wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
