just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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