She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Two words: blizzard sex
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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