she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm having to shit out rocks
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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