I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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