He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
