She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
