Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
