Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
