nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
