I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
