so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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