When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
