At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
