my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
