he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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