dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Randomize
