He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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