The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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