god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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