We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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