highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Even my vagina gasped.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
