my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
