doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
