dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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