he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
