2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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