WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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