new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
