I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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