Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Green mimosas i think yes
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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