My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
