He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
