I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize