I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
