wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
