Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
