So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
