You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
